To be honest, I didn’t even want to write this post. I struggled with whether or not I should be so personal because it might offend someone or might be taken out of context. However, I began this blogging journey to expose myself in the form of writing. After all, writing is my therapy. All stories have highs and lows, ebbs and flows of emotions. October 8, 2016 began a dark chapter in our life.
We were overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant with our third and final baby. It happened just like we had planned when we talked about it years ago. The early symptoms of pregnancy began in which I reassured myself this was the last time I’d get to experience this. Enjoy it, I reminded myself. As the weeks went on, we started reading about how I was carrying a baby the size of a blueberry, how their little heart was beating, what to expect, and so on. Our family was excited, and things all seemed to be as they should be. I would soon find out our perfect plan wasn’t so perfect after all.
I will remember the days leading up to that night but that night – that night will forever haunt me. I felt my subconscious trying to tell me something was wrong, yet I allowed Google searches to reassure me of things and continued on with life. However, when I began having what felt like the beginning of labor pains, the undeniable became reality.
Doubling over, I tried to focus on my breathing as my husband sought advice from the on-call nurse. Between his, “uh-huhs” and the “mm-hms” I found myself breathing like I was in labor. Sadness overcame me because I knew in that moment I wasn’t giving birth to life. Instead, I was giving birth to death.
I was two months pregnant and then like a dream it was over. Already having two kids, my husband and I had to be strong and continue with our life. However, having a miscarriage brings a lot of grief, confusion, and pain… such a silent, relentless pain. It makes me feel less of a woman, incompetent, and lonely.
It has been a difficult time for our family. I go through each day and each moment in varying degrees of emotions. In the midst of my sadness, I have to see my husband suffer our loss as well and watch him feel helpless, unsure of what to do or say. As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt challenged to share our story, to be the voice in my circle to bring awareness. Having lost a baby when this month is about awareness has been difficult. The sting of reality penetrates my inner being.
To anyone who has suffered a loss, please know my heart is with you. If the pain is unbearable please seek professional help to assist you in your healing. Yes, miscarriages are common, especially in the first trimester, but the pain is real and grief is evident. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, allow you to believe your sorrow is unjustified. Sometimes we can do everything “right” and things still end up wrong. Even though others may not understand why this is so devastating, I want to assure anyone out there who has or is suffering a loss that you are not alone. Be assured that your baby only knew love. They don’t feel the pain life brings us at times. They only knew your love.
I hope our story has shed some light on this topic. The goal of this month is to get the conversation going about pregnancy loss so that we can help others who are trying to heal. Remember, you are not alone. We are 1 in 4.
Until next post,